Hi. I haven't visited this space in a while now.

I also haven't fallen so ill in some time. Caught a mixture of bugs this week from people I met. Woke up with a swollen throat in the middle of the night. Was having dreams about beef stew and all. Fell back asleep and had a nightmare in which I was trapped being aware that I was in a dream. Signs that gave it off included: different flatmates, faulty toilet light, calling Howard but reaching a lady.

It's only mid-October but it honestly feels to me like I've been back in london for far too long. First year and second year wasn't quite as daunting as third year. It's not even my final year. I just wish I could find that motivation for life again. I'm just so overwhelmed by my own insecurity, and it just hinders my growth. I'm so afraid of failing that I refuse to let myself do so much as to even try.

Ways to stretch a quid

Fill up half-used dishwashing liquid/body soap/shampoo with water Eat half a meal at the restaurant and take it home for the next meal 


Sitting on my bed waiting for the tub of ben and jerry's to soften a little so that I can dig my cold spoon into the ice cream to freeze my feelings away.

I don't want to thaw them until a million years later.

There are so many things I want to achieve. Motivation is beyond reach. I just want to sleep but my eyes won't shut.

The street light outside the hospital is flickering.

Strong, stronger, weak.

I'm here thinking about tattoos and having a smoke.

People I miss

If you could see me now, what would you tell me?

If I had my own place

It'd be filled full of aged furniture.

Things are often better in the past. I'm just not forward-looking. I have too much fear, too much anxiety, too much of everything that I can handle.

I remember larry saying, "sleep when you're sad."
It doesn't work.
Reality scares but my nightmares terrifies.

The world is a dangerous place

What's worse than lack, is loss.

I wonder if my tears could have as much goodness as skincare products. After all, I associate tears with my younger self.
Please take this away from me, I don't want something I can lose because it's going to hurt all over again.